I like to solve my own problems. There is a power and confidence that comes with being able to work through shit by myself. Sometimes, however, I need more than one set of eyes on my insanity issues humanness. In that case, I call on a teeeeny tiiiiny core group of people that I trust. I chose these people for many reasons, but a very big one is that none of them will take my side.
“Kristen, you’re dumb. Your friends should have your back.”
Yeah, I used to think loyalty was one of the most necessary qualities in a relationship too. If you were on my “team,” I would believe everything you said about everybody, and expect you to do the same for me. I would go to battle with you against anyone you felt was wrong.
Allow me to break down two major problems with that M.O.:
Problem 1) Drama. We bitch to our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies about our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies. We get all worked up and expect everyone else to get all worked up too. But do you know what happens when everyone is all worked up? A campfire turns into a forest fire. A light breeze turns into a hurricane. The situation is escalated. It gets ugly.
Here is an example of a loyal friend reacting and taking sides: “She said WHAT?!?!?! Are you f%$#@ing kidding me??? Ohhhhh I always knew that bitch was a psycho!!! >>> [anger/name-calling/self-righteousness/he-said/she-said/ostracizing/bullying]
^^Do you see how the person in question is so easily de-humanized? Instead of viewing her as another living, breathing, loving human who is also trying to make her way in this world, she is transformed into a bitch, or psycho, or an image of our own insecurities projected onto her. How is that useful?
Expecting others to take our side is expecting them to choose conflict and hostility. I want peace for those I love just as much as I want peace for myself – and I’ve learned the hard way that nastiness and bickering don’t work in anyone’s favor.
Problem 2) Not owning my crap. If someone takes my side I temporarily feel relieved of taking any personal responsibility. Like, “OK, I found someone who thinks I’m right and that nothing’s my fault! Must be true!” If I had a whole crowd on my side, that was even better… “Look at allllll these people who agree with me! There’s no way I could be wrong!” *Grabs glass of wine; lets self off hook*
Problem is, if I am busy placing all the blame on others and gathering up my own little rah-rah group who agrees with me, then I have no time or motivation to work on myself. Anyone who doesn’t need any self-improvement, please raise your hand…
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K. Thought so.
Friends who take your side in a fight are different than friends who believe in you. One is about being combative, and the other is about loving everybody.
The gal who refuses to say mean and nasty things about my “enemies” is the gal I trust to never say mean and nasty things about me. I don’t want a bunch of yes-men, nor do I want a bunch of nay-sayers. I want people who challenge me while loving, accepting, and believing in me.
These days, if I feel wronged or self-pity, I treasure the friends who say,
- “Well, let’s look at it this way…” or
- “I love you, but hey ding-dong, didn’t you do something similar a while back?” or
- “Just ignore her/him. You’ve got more important things to worry about.” or
- “Zook, stop overthinking. Go write a blog post or something.” or
- “Hey. Why are you letting this bother you? You’re a good person.”
When we are loyal to people they will always let us down. It’s not their fault; they’re humans. Remember, we’re all hauling around light and dark. Be loyal to love. Compassion. Empathy. I stand firm in my belief that all of us are doing the best we know how with what we have.
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Love it!! Another wonderful blog to make you rethink situations in your own life. Thanks girl!
I spend so much time rethinking situations these days!!! Thank you Wendy! 🙂