~ Playing Nice with Others – Page 2

May 12, 2017

If you’ve ever said, “I just don’t understand some people…”

I see it in your posts.

A horrific news headline

A rant about how you got stabbed in the back by someone you called a friend

A story about a case of blatant rudeness you encountered

…followed by the words “I just don’t understand some people…”

“I just don’t understand,” you say…

how someone could be so evil

how there is so much hate in the world

why people lie, steal, and cheat

why some seem to have no consideration for others

how they could be so close-minded

“I just don’t understand,” you say. Then you shake your head and turn back to your busy-ness, your Netflix, your workouts, your booze, your drama, your Starbucks, your hustle, your distraction of choice.

“I just don’t understand…”

Ok, but is not understanding useful?

*Morpheus voice* What if I told you… that understanding is within our grasp?

That we human creatures are actually very predictable and understandable once you’ve spent some time studying us. We are deeply complex, but there are reasons behind our rhymes.

“I just don’t understand.” Say it enough, it becomes a copout. Really, you don’t understand darkness because you haven’t tried to understand it. And if you can’t fathom where the problem comes from, you will never be able to help fix it. Understanding is the only way we can be of any help. Understanding is the only way to begin healing ourselves and others. Ignorance perpetuates the cycle.

But, wait.

Can you understand and still get angry? Yes.

Can you understand and defend your boundaries? Yes.

Can you understand and not condone unhealthy behavior? Yes.

Understanding does not mean accepting the unacceptable.

Understanding means we finally realize that even the cruelest acts come from wounds, not from people.

And from that new realization, we can quit responding to

back-stabbing with name-calling,

poor choices with gossip,

and narcissism with insecurity.

Because all those responses? They don’t heal wounds. They create more.

You want the world to change? Then begin the work – yes, it’s work – of understanding. Then we can bring up a generation of healers, not haters.

When We Hurt

Addendum:

So, if understanding is possible, why aren’t more of us trying to do it? I’ve come up with two reasons:

We don’t want to soften. We are determined not to let anyone off the hook.
If we look too closely at the darkness of others, we have no choice other than to face the darkness in ourselves.

I have responses to both of these. Which I’ll write later. Just sit with this much for now.

January 29, 2017

When We Hurt

…

“How could you hurt me? I thought you loved me.”

To think that love means not to hurt is to be mistaken. We hurt people we love, on small scales and large. We hurt them deeply and repeatedly. Not because we are evil, but because we are humans with lessons unlearned. Every one of us.

Because I’m a human, I’ve been hurt. I carry small wounds and deep ones. To those who did the hurting, I say, “Thank you. I understand now that you are doing your best – your best with what you know, how you were raised, which resources you have, what pain you hide, and which beliefs you hold.”

Because I’m a human, I’ve hurt others. I’ve caused small wounds and deep ones. To those I’ve hurt, I say, “I am so uncomfortable with the fact that I caused you pain. That my words and actions cut you. As much as I preach about trying to embrace our humanness, this part of humanness still makes me squirm. Yet… I still ask you to try and understand that I, too, am only doing my best.”

Friends, I won’t ask you not to hurt me. Doing so would be no different than asking you not to breathe or blink. We’re people. We breathe, we blink, we hurt each other. I have peace in the knowledge that I don’t need you to do me “right.” I need you to simply be you. Keep doing your best and I’ll keep doing mine. Our bests might cause each other great joy. Our bests might cause each other great pain. I’m good with either. Because when I consider where the pain has launched me, and the lessons that it taught me, I can only see it as Love.

“What a treacherous thing it is to believe that a person is more than a person.” -John Green

~

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.” -Nayyirah Waheed

Seriously, Tell Me to “Be Grateful” One More Time…

A Lot Can Change in A Year. Or Not. (Thoughts for When You Feel Misunderstood)

I’ve Changed My Mind About Taking Sides…

January 8, 2017

“But I Don’t Want to Be Fake”

“I feel like I should be an open book,” she said. “You know, I want to be authentic with everyone.”

“I get it,” I replied. “You don’t want to be fake.”

“Right,” she murmured through the tears. “But people have used what I’ve told them against me. Thrown it back in my face. I don’t think I can tell everybody everything.”

“Correct. And you don’t have to Sweetheart.”

Wanting to be authentic is honorable. But can one be authentic and maintain her privacy?

Yeah. Of course.

If you ask me what the inside of my house looks like, I will give you a few details. But I won’t give you the key to my front door.

If you want to read my writing I’ll direct you to my blog. But I won’t hand you my journal.

If you ask me if I have demons I’ll say, “Of course I do.” But I won’t introduce them to you.

The front door key, the journal, the vivid descriptions of deeply personal struggles – those are not for everyone. Those are for a select few. Would you hand a child a fragile piece of pottery? Would you give a stranger at the bar your bank account password? Would you ask your next door neighbor for a pelvic exam?

There is something to be said for keeping the fragile parts of you sacred. For revealing certain aspects only to those who have shown you that they can handle them with care.

See, some people will see your darkness and react with disgust or shaming or gossip or indifference or confusion. They simply aren’t ready for your story. They’re likely not yet comfortable with their own.

But. There are those who will see your darkness and react with compassion and empathy and understanding and openness and love. You won’t regret showing these people all of you. In fact, you will feel lighter when you do. Take time and care in finding these souls. They’ll be revealed to you when you need them.

Darling, you don’t owe the whole world a look through your living room window. Keeping your blinds closed at night doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you have solid boundaries around what is precious.

This post is dedicated to my select few.

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