Category: ~ Playing Nice with Others

It is probable that you haven’t met even one person who has never been mistreated.  We’ve all been lied to, used, abused, ostracized, and beaten down.  It is part of the human experience.  And we shouldn’t minimize it.  Being wounded profoundly shapes who we are.  Often, in an effort to prevent being wounded by the same person again, we build up a wall of defense, by holding a grudge and adding said person to our Shit List.  

Here’s what we do with people on our Shit Lists:

• Roll our eyes when they walk into the room or when their name is mentioned.
• Use social media posts to be cruel or passive aggressive.
• Gossip about them behind their backs.
• Try and get others to take our side.
• Go to our graves being bitter about the hurt they caused us.

As a human, I have experienced a very fair share of mistreatment.  …And don’t think it doesn’t piss me off.  Haaaa nope.  I get pissed.  Like, fuming pissed.  Like, smoke coming out of nostrils, cover your grandma’s ears, ready to punch a wall pissed.  And that’s not a bad thing.  (Anger shows me that there is a person or a situation I need to address and/or move away from.)  But staying red-hot mad long-term?  You know, like having a mental list of people that raise my heart rate or make me want to seek some sort of revenge?  That’s just an unhealthy waste of energy.

When I hear, “Ugh.  He’s on my list,” I know what I’m really hearing is, “I’m expending valuable energy holding a grudge against a person that likely will not change just because I’m mad at her/him.”

Guess what?  We’re all gonna let each other down.  We’re all gonna say hurtful things.  We can’t avoid this fact of life.  We can walk around feeling abused and injusticed and victimized, OR we can take ownership and responsibility for who we allow to stay in our lives and our minds.

When you’ve been wounded, well-meaning people will advise you to                “just let it go.”  

“Haha just fuck you.  No.”         …is an understandable response.

I’ve been there.  I know how hard it is to just keep your mouth shut, smile, and let. it. go.  So here’s what I’ve found that works for me.  Maybe it will help some of you.

*ahem*

How To Not Have A Shit List:

1)  Tell people when they’ve hurt you or let you down.  Be an adult and face them.  Don’t talk behind their back.  Don’t try and get others to take sides.  Just face the person.

2)  If they respond unfavorably (i.e. keep behaving the same way, ridicule you for being hurt, minimize your feelings, lie to get out of responsibility), then get away from them.

3)  Once a safe distance away, wish them well.  No, I’m serious.  Really send good will/thoughts/energy their way.  Don’t expect them to come around and apologize.  If they do, it’s just icing on the delicious cake of peace and freedom that you are already experiencing without their apology.

4) If you do happen to cross paths with them, try these:

• Be a decent and courteous human when you bump into them.
• Don’t join in any gossip or badmouthing about them.
• Remember that being an asshole to an asshole only creates more… assholery.
• If you’re feeling really unfuckwithable, try saying something nice about them behind their back.
• Smile and be grateful that they came into your life to teach you something.

(^^When people talk about “spreading good vibes,” this is what they mean.)

A Shit List says, “You hurt me.  I want to hurt you back.”

But sit with this alternative for a moment: “You hurt me.  I want you to feel happy and loved enough that you stop hurting others.  I wish you well.”

Dunno about you, but the second feels much better to me.

Related Posts:

The Most Awkward Hug Ever and Why I was Pissed About It

You Burned Dinner and Fell On Your Ass.  Now What Do You Need Most?

Playing the Blame Game?  Time to Fold.

 

I like to solve my own problems.  There is a power and confidence that comes with being able to work through shit by myself.  Sometimes, however, I need more than one set of eyes on my insanity issues humanness.  In that case, I call on a teeeeny tiiiiny core group of people that I trust.  I chose these people for many reasons, but a very big one is that none of them will take my side.

“Kristen, you’re dumb.  Your friends should have your back.”  

Yeah, I used to think loyalty was one of the most necessary qualities in a relationship too.  If you were on my “team,” I would believe everything you said about everybody, and expect you to do the same for me.  I would go to battle with you against anyone you felt was wrong.  

Allow me to break down two major problems with that M.O.:

Problem 1)  Drama.  We bitch to our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies about our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies.  We get all worked up and expect everyone else to get all worked up too.  But do you know what happens when everyone is all worked up?  A campfire turns into a forest fire.  A light breeze turns into a hurricane.  The situation is escalated.  It gets ugly.

Here is an example of a loyal friend reacting and taking sides:  “She said WHAT?!?!?!  Are you f%$#@ing kidding me???  Ohhhhh I always knew that bitch was a psycho!!! >>> [anger/name-calling/self-righteousness/he-said/she-said/ostracizing/bullying]

^^Do you see how the person in question is so easily de-humanized?  Instead of viewing her as another living, breathing, loving human who is also trying to make her way in this world, she is transformed into a bitch, or psycho, or an image of our own insecurities projected onto her.  How is that useful?

Expecting others to take our side is expecting them to choose conflict and hostility.  I want peace for those I love just as much as I want peace for myself – and I’ve learned the hard way that nastiness and bickering don’t work in anyone’s favor.

Problem 2)  Not owning my crap.  If someone takes my side I temporarily feel relieved of taking any personal responsibility.  Like, “OK, I found someone who thinks I’m right and that nothing’s my fault!  Must be true!”  If I had a whole crowd on my side, that was even better…  “Look at allllll these people who agree with me!  There’s no way I could be wrong!”  *Grabs glass of wine; lets self off hook*

Problem is, if I am busy placing all the blame on others and gathering up my own little rah-rah group who agrees with me, then I have no time or motivation to work on myself.  Anyone who doesn’t need any self-improvement, please raise your hand…

…

…

…

…

K.  Thought so.

Friends who take your side in a fight are different than friends who believe in you.  One is about being combative, and the other is about loving everybody. 

The gal who refuses to say mean and nasty things about my “enemies” is the gal I trust to never say mean and nasty things about me.  I don’t want a bunch of yes-men, nor do I want a bunch of nay-sayers.  I want people who challenge me while loving, accepting, and believing in me.

These days, if I feel wronged or self-pity, I treasure the friends who say, 

• “Well, let’s look at it this way…” or
• “I love you, but hey ding-dong, didn’t you do something similar a while back?” or
• “Just ignore her/him.  You’ve got more important things to worry about.” or 
• “Zook, stop overthinking.  Go write a blog post or something.” or
• “Hey.  Why are you letting this bother you?  You’re a good person.”

When we are loyal to people they will always let us down.  It’s not their fault; they’re humans.  Remember, we’re all hauling around light and dark.  Be loyal to love.  Compassion.  Empathy.  I stand firm in my belief that all of us are doing the best we know how with what we have.

 

Related Posts:

Black and White?  No Thanks, I’ll Live in the Gray Area

You Burned Dinner and Fell On Your Ass.  Now What Do You Need Most?

6 Qualities to Demand from Your Closest Friends

Be A Drama-Avoiding Ninja

Proverbial “haters” can range on a spectrum from mild (the ones who roll their eyes and groan when you talk about your latest activity/project/workout) to severe (those who bully, badmouth, and torment).  Haters gonna hate, right?  

Well, that’s one way of looking at it.  Today, I’d like to present another. 

 

Byron Katie is famously known for claiming, “The whole world loves me, they just don’t know it yet.”

Right.  At this point you might be saying, “Ummmmm, excuse me Ms. Katie, but I am 100% certain that I have a couple few haters.  Like, people who’ve made it emphatically clear that they wish I was not alive.  You’re saying they not only don’t hate me, but that they love me?  Don’t think so, Sugar.  I’d have to be living in a pretty big fantasy (complete with unicorns and hobbits) to believe that.”

Well, Katie is not some delusional narcissist; she’s actually a brilliant speaker and author.  (Read this book NOW.)  She is coming from the angle that every single human we encounter is a teacher.

That ex who constantly made fun of you, lied to you, and belittled you?  Showed you where to find your buried reserves of strength and independence when it was time to leave.  What a gift.

That troll online who criticized your posts and/or pictures?  Taught you how to respond with dignity and resiliently keep posting.  What a gift.

That drama queen who gossiped and spread rumors about you and your character?  Caused you to get your act together and begin to analyze whether you are truly living within your integrity or not.  What a gift.

That pain-in-the-ass customer who e-mailed at all hours of the day/night and complained about everything?  Helped you find your sense of humor and stay on your A-game in business.  What a gift.

That jerk wad who criticized your body, pointing out every imperfection?  Led you to find new friends who see you as fit, beautiful, and radiant.  What a gift.

That hater who called you names and threw a rotten tomato at you when you got up on stage to perform?  Improved your reflexes and perhaps inspired you to join a dodgeball team (or at least seek out new marinara recipes).  What a gift.

Stick with me here, but when a person instigates a change in me that ultimately makes me better, I can’t find the hate.  Even if their words/actions seem hateful, I see a gift.  I see that I’ve been molded into a stronger, savvier, more empathetic ME.  Then, without an ounce of sarcasm or bitterness, I can truly say “thank you” to the haters and wish them nothing but love and good will as I move on to the next set of lessons.

^^I posted this pic on my Facebook and Instagram pages yesterday.  I was so amused by the polarity of the two books that were side by side on my desk.  Though they were completely different in motive, each taught me something valuable… just like the human versions of friends and assholes.

So whether they love you, hate you, think they hate you, whatever… It doesn’t matter; you can choose gratitude.  This is being unfuckwithable.  This is deciding to feel loved in every situation that presents itself.  This is how flipping your mindset changes the entire world from unfriendly to friendly.  Yeah. You’ve got that kind of power.

 

Related Posts:

Seriously, Tell Me to “Be Grateful” One More Time…

You’re A Grown-Up; No Permission Needed

A Lot Can Change In A Year. Or Not. (Thoughts for When You Feel Misunderstood)