Category: Shaking Things Up

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Love You. Goodbye. (Boundaries and Unconditional Love)

 

“Well I just don’t want to give up on him.”

“I’ve already invested so much into this relationship.”

“She has a good heart under all that. She just needs understanding.”

“He’s never really been loved. I’ll be the one to show him what it feels like.”

“I just want to love everybody where they’re at on their own journeys.”

“He’s not perfect, but none of us are.”

Unconditional love. It’s a weird thing – loving someone wholly, the good, bad, and ugly. It sounds admirable doesn’t it? And it is. I mean, if you can really love everybody exactly as they are showing up, then you have come a long way on the personal development train.

However, this gets dangerous. Because sometimes we throw out the term “unconditional love” as an excuse to remain in an abusive relationship (with a lover, friend, or family member). But if one party is constantly getting hurt and disrespected, that is not actually love. That is accepting the unacceptable. And that is not loving YOU, dear one.

Why do we do this? Why do we allow ourselves to be run over in the name of love? People continue to allow parents, spouses, friends, and even jobs to berate, neglect, or flat-out abuse them for years. Societal opinion doesn’t help us out too much with this one. As a culture, we’ve mistaken self-sacrifice for heroism.

We celebrate people who stay married and pity people who get divorced.

We praise martyr-ish behavior rather than supporting those who say “no.”

We commend those who are “selfless” and condemn those who are “selfish.”

But in many cases, that attitude is wrong. Sticking by someone who disrespects or mistreats you is quite detrimental. Hanging in there, gritting your teeth, grinning and bearing, digging your claws in, swallowing your words… that’s not love. Love should feel like freedom. And those things don’t.

So where does the “unconditional” piece come in? Can you tell someone to piss off leave a relationship and still continue loving the other person? Of course. Try these on for size:

“I love you. From over here.”

“I love you. And I do not accept your behavior.”

“I love you. And I love myself enough to not let you hurt me anymore.”

“I love you. Goodbye.”

See? They work, don’t they?

Love yourself first. Then others will see how to love you too.

 

 

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Babe, Your Eyelashes Look Fabulous. But How is Your Heart?

Your vehicle is beautiful. You’ve got those leather, heated seats and the fancy touchscreen and awesome speakers. And it’s the shiniest. It’s so shiny it helps you forget that you and your spouse haven’t had a meaningful conversation in years.

Your eyelashes are gorgeous. They’re the longest and fullest they’ve ever been. And your freckles hyper-pigmentation are almost not even visible anymore! In fact, you are so “flaw”less, you hardly even think about that time you were sexually assaulted years ago, and it’s easy to push it aside, once again, and not process it.

Your bag and your shoes are stunning. The envy of all your friends. Their compliments are enough to mostly drown out the voice in your head that’s been there since you were a child. The one that says, “You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re just not enough.”

Your vacation photos look amazing. Some beach somewhere. (They all start to look the same after a while, don’t they?) The sunny smiles in the pictures are enough to make everyone on Facebook assume your life is fantastic. And if they all think your life is fantastic, then it doesn’t matter if it’s really not… right?

Honey. Having stuff isn’t wrong. Spending money on things that make you happy isn’t wrong. I love a good vacation just as much as the next gal. I spend lots of money on quality makeup because I love it. And I have more expensive workout clothes than I feel comfortable writing about here.

But when was the last time you spent money on your heart? When did you last invest in something that people can’t see?

Investing in Personal Development is tough to wrap our minds around because the effects can take months and years before they are noticeable. It’s no 21-day fix. (If it is, you did it wrong.) It can feel like a waste to pay for something and not see results immediately. To not have specific, tangible deliverables.

And can we talk for a second about the stigma attached to it? Like, if you’re buying self-help books, there must be *gasp* something wrong with you, right? If you are going to workshops and seminars, you must be *double gasp* seriously selfish (or seriously fucked up), right???

Well, fuck that noise. It is wrong.

Your heart, your spirit, and your soul are more beautiful than all your stuff. They are more worthy of attention than society would have you think. And they need some serious TLC because in this day and age, it is ridiculously easy to neglect them. 

You need to feel. To experience highs and lows. To get excited . To learn what lights you up and what pisses you off.

You need to process. To understand the things that have happened to you. To feel hurt and let go of grudges.

You need to love. To be joyful, right down to your core. To appreciate Life exactly as it shows up for you, with no expectations.

And to do those things, you need to choose your heart. “Heart before eyelashes” – That’s a good motto to remember when you are inundated with advertisements saying the opposite. It takes strength to dig deep. To look at the inside rather than the outside. But I haven’t yet met a person that is sorry they did.

So much love to you all. Your hearts are beautiful. Time to start honoring them.

 

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Personal Development: If You Take This On, You’re A Freaking Hero

Dude. Breathe.

 

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Personal Development: If You Take This On, You’re A Freaking Hero

 

So here are two things about Personal Development:

1) You’re never done. Until, well, you’re dead.

2) Failing, looking foolish, and getting hurt are inevitable.

Let me put this another way to try and make it sound better:

Um, Personal Development is a chore that never ends AND it’s definitely gonna hurt and make you look like an idiot.

Ok well that didn’t work. The personal development train just really doesn’t look too appealing at first glance. I know. So why even bother hopping on? Good question. Let’s try some reasons on and see how they feel…

Because you can’t stand the idea of keeping your jaw clenched shut for the next 60 years.

Because you don’t want to go through life hating your body and wishing it were different.

Because its weird that the biggest emotional rushes you ever get are from Netflix, not your love life.

Because the same old dramas with your friends and family never seem to go away.

Because if you look into your future, it appears depressingly similar to your past.

Because even though you’ve set up a pretty great life for yourself, you haven’t found what makes you truly, completely, ecstatically happy.

Because maybe you don’t even believe you can be truly, completely, ecstatically happy.

Good reasons, right? I bet you could even come up with more than that.

Now, there are many people for whom those reasons aren’t enough. They will remain stagnant, albeit “safe” for the duration of their lives. They won’t have to face their flaws, but they won’t get to face their beauty either. They won’t fall down, but they won’t fly. They won’t ruffle any feathers, but they’ll never be known for anything.

Alternately, there are people who have found all the reasons they need. They are ready. Ready to face their flaws, their fears, and even their finances (ha). They will learn. They will live and they will learn and they will learn and they will learn. And they won’t stop learning. That’s the process, you see, should you choose it. And there is bravery in choosing it. Like, sooooo much bravery. You will be a fucking hero because it requires blood, sweat, and oh, so many tears. But to me, it’s a worthy endeavor. Because even though “Fully Developed Human” is a destination at which you will never arrive, the journey towards it is unquestionably more amazing than anything Netflix has to offer you.

 

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