Drums, Drinks, and Time to Deal (Retreat Rundown)

So I kidnapped 8 women.  Just for one night.  I wanted to try something.

See, in my clients, friends, and blog readers, I noticed some common themes:

  • We’ve all got some shit to deal with (old hurts, past heartbreaks, traumas, grief, exhaustion, anxieties, etc.).
  • None of us seem to have the time to start dealing with it.
  • Even if we do have time, it’s hard to know where to start.
  • Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we carry that shit around with us and it starts to stink up our relationships, our health, and our happiness.  The stench gets progressively worse the longer it’s ignored.

Before I noticed these themes in anyone else, I noticed them in myself, about two years ago.  I had so much going through my mind that my thoughts were downright noisy.  I had a hard time focusing, a hard time staying positive, a hard time being nice, a hard time sleeping, and a reallyreallyreallyreally hard time figuring out why other people do what they do.

I started reading.  Studying.  Meditating.  Writing.  Immersing myself in human psychology, behavior, and even spirituality.  Burning sage and talking to psychics (I’m just kidding about one of those).  I was ready to do whatever it took to heal myself and change my outlook – because I could not continue what I was doing.

Once I began healing, my vision cleared up and I noticed the same confusion in people all around me.  Friends, clients, acquaintances, even strangers.  People who are tired or bitter or heartbroken or sad or frustrated or frantic or jealous or hiding or numb.

Clients would say things like, “I don’t know how to be by myself anymore.”

“There is just one person that I can’t seem to forgive.”

“I don’t know how to sort out my thoughts, and even if I did, there is no time.”

“My life is on autopilot.”

“I am fucking exhausted but I can’t sleep.”

“I don’t remember the last time I cried.”

And all of a sudden, thanks to my own experience, I had so much more than a sympathetic hug for them.  I had advice.  Tools.  Empathy.  Because I’d been there, in those exact places, myself.  I saw myself in everyone around me and wanted to pass on what I’d learned in my [angels singing] Quest for Knowledge.  That’s how this retreat came to be.

Imagine what it’s like to beat the hell out of a drum, with a room full of people who are laughing and smiling and moving so much, there is absolutely no space for criticism.

Imagine what it’s like to finally have time to go THERE.  You know, to the mental places that you always push to the back of your mind for “later.”

Imagine what it’s like to be surrounded by women but feel totally safe to say what you think, or what’s been annoying you, or what makes you sad, or what your fears are.

Imagine what it’s like to have time for a nap.  To have someone else cook for you, serve you, and then even clear your dishes!  (Wut???)

That’s what we did.  There was lots of laughing.  Lots of tears (which, I’ve learned are a very good thing).  Lots of eating.  Resting.  Discussing.  Goosebumps.  Oh, and lots of vodka.  We talked about the voice inside our head that’s always telling us we’re not good enough.  We talked about other people and why they’re so flippin’ annoying and what to do about it.  We talked about stress and what it does to the body and the psyche.  We came away rested, with clearer thinking, and armed with tools to approach the world with a calmer mindset.  (Check out the photos on the Facebook page here.)

There were participants ranging from their 20s to their 60s.  Amazing how women can help one another just by sharing their own experiences.

You guys.  You are all moving a million miles an hour.  I see it.  You’re running here and there, working hard to take care of your kids, spouses, coworkers, and friends.  You barely have time to catch your breath, much less think about YOU.  Believe me, there is nothing like finally having the chance to sit down with yourself and chew over things that cause angst in your day to day life.  Time for yourself shouldn’t be treated as a luxury; it is a need.  It’s unfortunate that more people don’t do it more often.  But that’s my current mission.  To give you time, space, permission, and instruction to breathe.  

If any of this resonates with you (even the vodka part), put yourself on this wait list for more info about the next retreat.  No, you’re not committing to anything; just signing up for updates so you don’t miss anything.  I also offer one-on-one coaching for those who don’t know where to start.  You can always message me to schedule a session.  When we don’t deal with our shit, it piles up and causes damage.  Often, we are so very close to not suffering, but we just don’t know it.  Think about whether this would be a useful weekend for you (and your loved ones).  Comment, message, or e-mail with any questions you have.  And remember: breathing is good. ?

 

Related Posts:

Dude.  Breathe.

Well, Shit. (When You’re Dealing With the Same. Crap. Repeatedly.)

This Is What Forward Motion Looks Like

 

This Is What Forward Motion Looks Like

 

It’s crashing down from your handstand… then deciding again that you are going to hold a goddamn handstand.

It’s finding yourself totally bad-mouthing that *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*  who  *bleeeeeeeeeep bleep bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep*!!!!!!!…  then deciding again to quit gossiping.

It’s feeling like a slow, fat, weak blob of marshmallow fluff during your workout… then deciding again to go back to the gym.

It’s finding yourself in a mood so sour that your plant shrivels up when you walk by it… then waking up the next day and deciding again that you are going to be happier.

It’s letting him kiss your neck and whisper lies to you… then deciding again that you’re done with that bullshit.

It’s scrolling through Instagram for two hours… then deciding again not to waste so much time on social media.

For all my clients and friends who are wrestling with their demons: Know that just like washing your car, doing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, and mowing the lawn… self-improvement is a repeated action, not a one-time deal.  The grass grows back, the dishes get dirty, and YOU LAPSE IN YOUR JUDGMENT, DECISIONS AND WILLPOWER.  Honey, it’s ok.  

Decide again and again to keep moving forward.  One foot in front of the other.  Even if you’re in the dark.  Even if you’re falling down every few steps.  Even if you’re fucking crawling. 

The danger isn’t in falling down.  It’s in falling down and deciding you suck, then never getting back up.

Get up.  Go again.  You got this. ❤️

 

Related Posts:

People Never Change. True or False?

Well, Shit. (When You’re Faced With the Same. Crap. Repeatedly.)

5 Things I Realized After Smacking Face-First Into A Giant Wall

 

I’ve Changed My Mind About Taking Sides…

I like to solve my own problems.  There is a power and confidence that comes with being able to work through shit by myself.  Sometimes, however, I need more than one set of eyes on my insanity issues humanness.  In that case, I call on a teeeeny tiiiiny core group of people that I trust.  I chose these people for many reasons, but a very big one is that none of them will take my side.

“Kristen, you’re dumb.  Your friends should have your back.”  

Yeah, I used to think loyalty was one of the most necessary qualities in a relationship too.  If you were on my “team,” I would believe everything you said about everybody, and expect you to do the same for me.  I would go to battle with you against anyone you felt was wrong.  

Allow me to break down two major problems with that M.O.:

Problem 1)  Drama.  We bitch to our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies about our husbands and gal pals and siblings and frienemies.  We get all worked up and expect everyone else to get all worked up too.  But do you know what happens when everyone is all worked up?  A campfire turns into a forest fire.  A light breeze turns into a hurricane.  The situation is escalated.  It gets ugly.

Here is an example of a loyal friend reacting and taking sides:  “She said WHAT?!?!?!  Are you f%$#@ing kidding me???  Ohhhhh I always knew that bitch was a psycho!!! >>> [anger/name-calling/self-righteousness/he-said/she-said/ostracizing/bullying]

^^Do you see how the person in question is so easily de-humanized?  Instead of viewing her as another living, breathing, loving human who is also trying to make her way in this world, she is transformed into a bitch, or psycho, or an image of our own insecurities projected onto her.  How is that useful?

Expecting others to take our side is expecting them to choose conflict and hostility.  I want peace for those I love just as much as I want peace for myself – and I’ve learned the hard way that nastiness and bickering don’t work in anyone’s favor.

Problem 2)  Not owning my crap.  If someone takes my side I temporarily feel relieved of taking any personal responsibility.  Like, “OK, I found someone who thinks I’m right and that nothing’s my fault!  Must be true!”  If I had a whole crowd on my side, that was even better…  “Look at allllll these people who agree with me!  There’s no way I could be wrong!”  *Grabs glass of wine; lets self off hook*

Problem is, if I am busy placing all the blame on others and gathering up my own little rah-rah group who agrees with me, then I have no time or motivation to work on myself.  Anyone who doesn’t need any self-improvement, please raise your hand…

K.  Thought so.

Friends who take your side in a fight are different than friends who believe in you.  One is about being combative, and the other is about loving everybody. 

The gal who refuses to say mean and nasty things about my “enemies” is the gal I trust to never say mean and nasty things about me.  I don’t want a bunch of yes-men, nor do I want a bunch of nay-sayers.  I want people who challenge me while loving, accepting, and believing in me.

These days, if I feel wronged or self-pity, I treasure the friends who say, 

  • “Well, let’s look at it this way…” or
  • “I love you, but hey ding-dong, didn’t you do something similar a while back?” or
  • “Just ignore her/him.  You’ve got more important things to worry about.” or 
  • “Zook, stop overthinking.  Go write a blog post or something.” or
  • “Hey.  Why are you letting this bother you?  You’re a good person.”

When we are loyal to people they will always let us down.  It’s not their fault; they’re humans.  Remember, we’re all hauling around light and dark.  Be loyal to love.  Compassion.  Empathy.  I stand firm in my belief that all of us are doing the best we know how with what we have.

 

Related Posts:

Black and White?  No Thanks, I’ll Live in the Gray Area

You Burned Dinner and Fell On Your Ass.  Now What Do You Need Most?

6 Qualities to Demand from Your Closest Friends

Be A Drama-Avoiding Ninja