~ Remember: You’re A Work In Progress – Page 5

January 29, 2017

When We Hurt

…

“How could you hurt me? I thought you loved me.”

To think that love means not to hurt is to be mistaken. We hurt people we love, on small scales and large. We hurt them deeply and repeatedly. Not because we are evil, but because we are humans with lessons unlearned. Every one of us.

Because I’m a human, I’ve been hurt. I carry small wounds and deep ones. To those who did the hurting, I say, “Thank you. I understand now that you are doing your best – your best with what you know, how you were raised, which resources you have, what pain you hide, and which beliefs you hold.”

Because I’m a human, I’ve hurt others. I’ve caused small wounds and deep ones. To those I’ve hurt, I say, “I am so uncomfortable with the fact that I caused you pain. That my words and actions cut you. As much as I preach about trying to embrace our humanness, this part of humanness still makes me squirm. Yet… I still ask you to try and understand that I, too, am only doing my best.”

Friends, I won’t ask you not to hurt me. Doing so would be no different than asking you not to breathe or blink. We’re people. We breathe, we blink, we hurt each other. I have peace in the knowledge that I don’t need you to do me “right.” I need you to simply be you. Keep doing your best and I’ll keep doing mine. Our bests might cause each other great joy. Our bests might cause each other great pain. I’m good with either. Because when I consider where the pain has launched me, and the lessons that it taught me, I can only see it as Love.

“What a treacherous thing it is to believe that a person is more than a person.” -John Green

~

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.” -Nayyirah Waheed

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January 8, 2017

“But I Don’t Want to Be Fake”

“I feel like I should be an open book,” she said. “You know, I want to be authentic with everyone.”

“I get it,” I replied. “You don’t want to be fake.”

“Right,” she murmured through the tears. “But people have used what I’ve told them against me. Thrown it back in my face. I don’t think I can tell everybody everything.”

“Correct. And you don’t have to Sweetheart.”

Wanting to be authentic is honorable. But can one be authentic and maintain her privacy?

Yeah. Of course.

If you ask me what the inside of my house looks like, I will give you a few details. But I won’t give you the key to my front door.

If you want to read my writing I’ll direct you to my blog. But I won’t hand you my journal.

If you ask me if I have demons I’ll say, “Of course I do.” But I won’t introduce them to you.

The front door key, the journal, the vivid descriptions of deeply personal struggles – those are not for everyone. Those are for a select few. Would you hand a child a fragile piece of pottery? Would you give a stranger at the bar your bank account password? Would you ask your next door neighbor for a pelvic exam?

There is something to be said for keeping the fragile parts of you sacred. For revealing certain aspects only to those who have shown you that they can handle them with care.

See, some people will see your darkness and react with disgust or shaming or gossip or indifference or confusion. They simply aren’t ready for your story. They’re likely not yet comfortable with their own.

But. There are those who will see your darkness and react with compassion and empathy and understanding and openness and love. You won’t regret showing these people all of you. In fact, you will feel lighter when you do. Take time and care in finding these souls. They’ll be revealed to you when you need them.

Darling, you don’t owe the whole world a look through your living room window. Keeping your blinds closed at night doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you have solid boundaries around what is precious.

This post is dedicated to my select few.

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December 16, 2015January 4, 2017

People Never Change. True or False?

When I was in the fourth grade, my teachers whisked my classmates and I out from behind our Lisa Frank and Power Rangers notebooks to take us on a field trip to see the wagon ruts of the Oregon Trail. Pioneers had traveled the route for decades with their wagons and animals and pots and pans and little pioneer children (who were probably fighting in the backseat). The repeated use of the same path cut a trail through the sandstone, which is still visible today.

***I am now going to make a giant leap and say that our brains are like the landscape of the American West.***

“Whenever we use our brain, we fire certain neuronal connections, and the more these connections get used, the stronger they become. We’re essentially wearing grooves into our brain- whichever mental processes are used on a consistent basis will strengthen.” -Olivia Fox Cabane

^^Wait a minute. Did that say, “WHENEVER we use our brain” ????

Yes.

And aren’t we using our brains ALL THE TIME????

Yes. Unless you’re dead.

So… we’re making our neural connections stronger ALL THE TIME????

You’re a genius.

This seems important, but why????

I’ll tell you. Ahem,

Every time I believe a thought, perform a task, or say some words, that neural pathway gets a little bit stronger. (Like wagon ruts getting deeper.) And this is useful information because now, I have power. I get to decide which wagon ruts/neural connections become deeper.

If I want to get better at double-unders (the nemesis of all jump-ropers), I need to practice them repeatedly, strengthening the neural connections that allow me to be coordinated enough to do the motion.
If I want to memorize a difficult piano piece, I need to play it over and over, until the neural connections are solid enough for my hands to remember what to do.

^^“Yeah Kristen, but Time-Out. Those are physical tasks. People can’t change their core beliefs and personality!” Sorry, but science says that’s FALSE. Attitudes and behavior are no different than physical feats as far as the brain is concerned – they are still just neurons firing. So…

If I want to become a more positive person, I can start consciously choosing positive thoughts, teaching my brain to automatically seek out the good.
If I want to be kinder and more gracious towards others, I can begin by thinking kind and gracious thoughts repeatedly until those neural pathways become strong.

ecWTpwrQ — People never change? False. They sure do- if they choose to.

Many of us have some hella deep ruts to get out of. It may have started with a traumatic childhood, or an abusive relationship. Years and years of negativity, wearing deeper and deeper ruts. It is not easy, but also not impossible- neuroscience says you can re-wire your brain, IF you put in the time and effort. What you feed grows.

People who lie pathologically didn’t become that way overnight. It started with just one lie. Then another and another.

People who are generous didn’t just wake up one morning, full of good will. It began with one good deed. Then another and another.

Bitter people weren’t born that way. It began with one resentful thought that compounded over time.

Happy people aren’t just lucky. They have chosen to think happy, positive thoughts time and time again, even when life is difficult.

I’ll say it again: What. You. Feed. Grows. It may seem that destiny decides which of us are happy, sad, outgoing, shy, depressed, open-minded, angry, kind-hearted, rude, anxious, or joyful. But I don’t believe in giving destiny that kind of power. We get to decide where to steer our wagons.

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Well, Shit. (When You’re Faced with the Same. Crap. Repeatedly.)

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