~ When You Don’t Like Yourself – Page 6

January 2, 2016January 4, 2017

Smokin’ Hot Shoes Don’t Tell the Whole Story

When I taught music, I would walk onstage the night of performances with a calm smile on my face. My students and I were the only ones privy to the tremendously messy process of preparing a show – (i.e. lengthy rehearsals, squeaky instruments, mixed up choreography, scheduling disasters, and Miss Zook almost losing her SHIT multiple times per week). What the audience saw was a final product, neatly wrapped up and delivered to them in their seats.

I don’t have an actual stage upon which to make a grand entrance anymore. I have this blog, which is in many ways similar to a stage. The words you see here are much prettier than the process of learning the lessons that inspired them.

You see my words about fitness, but you don’t see me in my early 20s with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Captain in the other (probably making plans for a 3am Taco Bell run).

You see my words about kindness, but you don’t see the numerous times I was a complete and utter jerk to people I care about.

You see my words about resting and self-care, but you don’t see my major struggle with anxiety-induced overtraining and overworking.

You see my favorite word “Unfuckwithable,” but you don’t see me sobbing on the phone to a friend because I was hurt very deeply by someone else’s words.

You see my words about gossip, but you don’t see the multiple times I listened to rumors, believed them, and passed them on.

You see my words about positive self-talk, but you don’t hear some of the horrible, nasty, unkind garbage I used to say to myself (and which still sneaks in every once in a while).

My words speak to an ideal – the person I want to be. My actions speak to reality – the person I am. My reality doesn’t match my ideal (psst- never will). But it is closer than it was ten years ago. Five years ago. One year ago. Yesterday.

Here, on this blog, you see words that I’ve had time to process, analyze, read, re-read, and edit BEFORE I hit “publish.” (Didn’t I write a post about not being a perfectionist??) Life isn’t like that. We don’t get to proofread or photoshop our days as they unfold. We see each others’ Facebook statuses and Instagram pictures and forget they are only a tiny snapshot of our whole big world. We see the smiling family pictures on the Christmas cards but don’t really know the whole story. We see the smokin’ hot high heels but not the blisters and achey feet inside them (or the unattractive limp the following day).

IMG_4947 - Version 2 — Worth the blisters. #pullingthemoff

Call me wise. Call me fake. Call me ignorant. Call me brilliant. Call me classy. Call me clueless. Call me a bitch. Call me kind. Call me crazy. They’re all accurate. And they’re all just a part of me… not the whole story.

People are amazing. But don’t ever be fooled into thinking they aren’t human.

Life is beautiful. But don’t ever be fooled into thinking that it should always be pleasant.

Black and White? No Thanks, I’ll Live in the Gray Area

What’s Your Story?

Nope, I Don’t Always Take My Own Advice

People Never Change. True or False?

Like what you’ve read? I’m so grateful when you share it. ?

December 2, 2015January 4, 2017

Seriously, Tell Me to “Be Grateful” One More Time…

So this one time, I gave up my job, my marriage, and my home pretty much all in the same month. Instead of making life changes one at a time, I apparently felt the need to rip off the band-aid as fast as humanly possible. …And that came with some side effects. The immediate ones were unpleasant to say the least, including but not limited to: heartbreak, self-doubt, disappointing people, anger, guilt, and grief.

At the time, I remember thinking that no one could possibly understand what I was going through. Really Kristen? No one on Earth has ever dealt with heartbreak, self-doubt, disappointing people, anger, guilt, or grief?

Oh. Right. It’s part of the human experience. And we can either accept it and wise up… OR we can fall into bitterness and woe-is-meitude. (It’s my blog; I can make up words if I want.) I tried the latter for a while. It didn’t suit me and didn’t make things better. So I figured out how to wise up. How? I started to be grateful.

This is the point at which you want to throw things at me/stop reading/roll your eyes. Because when you’re going through a giant pile of suck, people saying, “Simply have an ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE and ALL your troubles will go awayyyy!!!!” in a creepily cheerful voice is not what you want to hear. Gratitude, schmatitude, right? Saying “thank you” without the feeling behind it is not helpful.

…So I had to figure out how to actually feel grateful. Simple? Yes. Easy? Nope.

It’s not a matter of forcing yourself to say, “Gee Universe, thanks for putting my heart through a meat grinder. I so appreciate it.” It’s a matter of digging deep and really asking, “WHY is this situation good for me? HOW is it useful to me? WHAT have I learned that I didn’t know before?” When you have the answers to those questions, gratitude simply appears.

In the middle of a storm, it’s difficult to see the light. It takes a little bit of faith. (<—I’m cautious about that word, but I’ve decided I’m ok with it here.) Faith. In this case, the belief that whatever you are enduring is teaching you, growing you, shaping you, and setting you up for amazingness.

You’ve got to have a few days when your jeans won’t button in order to motivate you to fix your nutrition.

You’ve got to get involved with some douchebags to know what a quality relationship looks like.

You’ve got to eat some crappy sushi in order to appreciate the good stuff.

You’ve got to have ~~some~~ lots of shitty days at your job before you’re inspired to make a change.

You’ve got to toil away in the hot sun planting seeds in order to reap a big harvest.

Good things that came out of my personal giant pile of suck? This blog. Deeper friendships. A shit ton of reading. New business ideas. Forgiveness and love for those who hurt me. Forgiveness and love for myself even though I hurt people too. Delightful clients. An appreciation for my body and what it can do. Thick skin and a stronger backbone. Independence. Being unfuckwithable.

I did not make up this word, but many kudos to the person who did. Beginning now, I shall use it often.

So, here I am, joining the ranks of humans preaching the “Be Grateful” message. But only because I tried it and it worked. Who’da thunk? ?

A Lot Can Change in A Year. Or Not. (Thoughts for when You’re Feeling Misunderstood)

Playing the Blame Game? Time to Fold

5 Things I Realized After Smacking Face-First into A Giant Wall

November 16, 2015January 4, 2017

A Lot Can Change in A Year. Or Not. (Thoughts for When You Feel Misunderstood)

About a year ago, I was reading a blog in which the author made a recommendation to her readers to “soften.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to do so by eating excessive amounts of peanut butter- although I may have ~~tried it~~ ahem, tossed that idea around. I believe she meant to soften in regards to how we interact with others. You know… trust people, show them compassion, forgive them, smile, be vulnerable, look for the good.

*vomits in mouth*

“Soften???? Uh, no thank you. I’ve been through some shit. I have walls up. I don’t need anyone. I lift heavy weights. No one gets me. Softening is the last thing I’m willing to do. Oh, and fuck off.”

You see, this idea was not acceptable to me. I was going through a time when I felt utterly and completely misunderstood. Behind all my walls, I was terrified to soften. Because that meant looking at myself and others through a different lens. It meant agreeing to face my demons and admit my flaws. It meant choosing to believe that I am in charge of whether or not I’m happy – that other humans are just doing their best and are not to blame for my circumstances.

I don’t know the exact moment I began to disarm and look on the bright side but eventually and very gradually, I did. (It had a lot to do with this book.) To make that mental shift was the best decision ever. It was magical.

I gained new friends who had been through similar circumstances and could support and teach me.
I gained inspiration to start a blog and begin coaching.
I gained deeper relationships with old friends who hadn’t given up on me.
I gained skills and tools that help me confront challenges rather than hide behind my walls.
I gained a new appreciation for my hometown, my clients, and my loved ones.

It wasn’t about becoming delusional or deliriously happy. It was about consciously searching out reasons to be grateful. And dammit, I found them. A ton of them.

Choosing to move on from past hurts doesn’t make you naive, clueless, or stupid. It doesn’t make you weak. It opens up your world.

Right now, what does your world look like? I’ll tell you: It looks exactly like you expect it to. You can choose to believe that people are evil, disgusting, twisted, and out to get you… OR you can choose to believe that people are good, loving, compassionate, and doing the best they can. Either way, they’ll prove you right.

Remember that you’ll always find what you’re looking for. If a person were to look for nastiness, deceit, insecurity, and jealousy in me, they’d undoubtedly find it. I know because I found those things when I decided to take a good hard look at myself. Ouch. But I also found humor, love, strength, empathy, and determination. And those are the things I’ve chosen to build on.

The other day I was talking to my brother about my next business venture and comparing it to a past one. He said, “This time will be even better because you’re doing it without the chip on your shoulder.” #littlebrospeaksthetruth

A lot can change in a year. You could be in a new headspace with a lighter heart, a cheerful attitude, encouraging friends, and fresh perspectives.

…Or nothing can change in a year. You could be in the same headspace, with the same bitterness and distrust you had before, waiting for others to say they’re sorry or to take away your pain.

Life is short. I’d rather be in charge of my own happiness.