6 Qualities to Demand from Your Closest Friends

I really dislike the term “best friend.”  It implies that you can only have one.  I do believe that we need to have deep, meaningful relationships with a small group of those closest to us.  This post is about how to find those people.  But first, I’ll quickly explain my way of thinking about relationships…

We come into contact with so many people throughout life.  I have a little system that helps me to organize my fellow humans.  They generally fall into four categories:

Inner Circle, Companions, Acquaintances, and Strangers.

The lines between each category are, of course, much more blurry in real life, but the above image gives you a basic idea.  You are at the nucleus of the circle, surrounded by your closest friends (those who know the good, the bad, & the ugly – your confidants, the ones you call when you need help).  This is your Inner Circle.

Next are your Companions (coffee shop pals, gym buddies, coworkers, softball team, etc. – you enjoy them, you hang out with them on a regular to semi-regular basis… but your interactions are a bit more surface-level), then Acquaintances (you know them by name and appearance, but not much else), then Strangers.

The circles are not set in stone. People can move from being complete strangers all the way to the inner circle.  Or perhaps from the inner circle to mere acquaintances.  This movement is completely natural and part of life.  We can have positive interactions with humans from ALL circles.  However, those ones at the core are there for a reason.  These are the ones who have access to your heart and soul.  Because of this, it is acceptable- even necessary- to hold them to a higher standard than most.  Over time, I’ve discovered some traits that are absolutely essential for those I allow “in.”  I recommend finding an Inner Circle of friends who possess the following qualities:

1)  They know what discretion is.  

Here’s the definition: “the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information”

People have told me things that are NONE OF MY BUSINESS about other folks’ finances, sex lives, family issues, marital problems, etc.  And I’ll tell you what:  I immediately know that I can’t trust those people with any of my personal information.

When you confide in your Inner Circle, you want to know that whatever you tell them is protected.  No worries that it will get around as gossip or hearsay later.  As some of my dude friends say, “It’s in the vault.”  Having a small group of humans you can fully trust with all your top secret shit is important.  If they spread it around, proving they lack discretion, I recommend cutting off the supply of information immediately.

2)  They speak kindly about others.  

I was on a coffee date with a dude I had just met.  He seemed super sweet, paying for my coffee, complimenting my outfit, etc.  As we sat down, an acquaintance of his came over to shake his hand and say “hello.”  Immediately after the acquaintance left us, my charming date looked at me and said, “Ugh, I can’t stand that guy.  What a loser.  Anyway, tell me about yourself!”  Ummmm… RED FLAG!!!  I don’t know what his issue was with this person, and I don’t care.  His inability to hold his tongue and be classy was a huge turn-off.  This may be a lesson we learned in elementary school, but the words “fat, stupid, lazy, ugly, loser, etc.” are FREAKING MEAN.  It is so unsettling to hear adults use them…  Because, I think we instinctively know that if they say those things in our presence, they will probably also say them about us one day when we’re not there.  Logic, right?

3) They accept ALL of you.  

Good friends know that, for the most part, you have your shit together.  However, they love you just as much on the once-in-a-blue-moon days you need to drink a bottle of wine and cry for two hours.  Or wear sweatpants and eat peanut butter from the jar.

^^This is different than enabling.  Enablers haven’t mastered the flip side to this, which is number 4:

4)  They don’t take any of your crap.

That friend that says,

• “OK, you’ve vented enough; time to move on.”
• “Yeah, that situation seems shitty.  But let’s find the silver lining.”
• “I love you, but it’s time to put pants on and quit being a drama queen.”
• “Honey, that’s enough peanut butter.  Hand me the spoon.”

 

5)  They are overall positive companions.

It is ok to vent.  Really.  But, for the most part, is the majority of your time together constructive or destructive?  I consider the following positive conversation topics:

• ways to move forward
• building each other up
• complimenting others
• problem-solving
• planning exciting events

 

And here are some negative (i.e. useless and time-wasting) conversation topics:

• the appearance of others (clothes, weight, hair, etc.)
• gossip (local, celebrity, whatever)
• complaining without solving problems
• re-hashing negative experiences from the past

 

6)  They don’t try to fix everything for you.

Wise friends recognize when to stay silent.  Often, you don’t need someone to tell you what to do – all you need is for someone to listen to YOU sort YOURSELF out.  Quality Inner Circle peeps know that ultimately YOU are the only one that can fix your problems.  They don’t get so engaged that they become too emotionally involved in your decisions.  Giving someone a shoulder to lean on while they make their way is much more helpful in the long run than dragging them.

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Good relationships make life worthwhile.  They help keep us solid when circumstances get shaky.  They are worth seeking out and maintaining.  There may be periods of time when you are chillin’ alone in your inner circle.  Other times you could have 2, 5, or 10 people there with you.  That will ebb and flow naturally throughout life.  Just remember: quality over quantity.  As you assemble your confidants, select carefully.  It is much better to have a small, extremely trustworthy Inner Circle than a gigantic shallow one.