kezook

October 23, 2015January 4, 2017

Crap-Ass Massages, Fake Peanut Butter, and Why I Don’t Do Zumba

In my old age, I have decided that everything I do needs to meet at least one of the following criteria:

Make me happy.
Make me better.
Make me money.

Uh huh. I look for a good return on investment from my time and energy. And I don’t feel bad about it.

I know, I know, I know. “Kristen, you selfish cow! What about altruism?!?! I thought you were a good person! Clearly all you think about is yourself.”

But this isn’t about being uncaring, greedy, or self-serving. Being an egotistical miser wouldn’t truly bring me happiness, would it? I’ve already explained here and here why being “selfish” is actually better for the common good, so I won’t go into that again (today). Today I want to talk about YOU. A precious, valuable being who just might be selling yourself short by acting out of obligation rather than passion.

Lately I’ve encountered a surprisingly high number of folks who hang out with people they don’t like, do activities that bore them, stay in one-sided relationships, or don’t charge enough money for their services… ALL BECA– USE THEY FEEL OBLIGATED.

Also, they are miserable. How do I know that? They’re angry. They’re sad. They’re mopey. They’re complain-ey. And it’s really no wonder – their resources are being constantly drained. Their vessel is empty and not getting filled. The bummer of it is, I know that these very people would be absolutely vibrant if they were doing more things that set their soul on fire. How vivacious, loving, and kind would humanity be if we ONLY invested in relationships that serve us, activities that bring us fulfillment, conversations that improve us, and work that pays us what we’re worth???

Really freaking vivacious, loving, and kind, right?

I don’t necessarily want you to do the easy things. Or the most comfortable things. I want you to do the things that feed your soul, your body, your mind, or your bank account. And in order to have time for those things, you’ll probably need to cut out other things.

For example, here are a few circumstances I have deemed not worth my time and energy:

Mary Kay/handbag/nail art parties
crap-ass massages
shallow friendships
men who jerk me around by lying and being unpredictable
Zumba
blind dates
peanut butter made with hydrogenated oil (How to make peanut butter: Take some peanuts. Crush them into peanut butter.)
house-sitting (I’m 31. Please stop asking.)
reading magazines

^^Now bear in mind this is MY list, not yours! I happen to know a Mary Kay consultant who absolutely loves her job. She is always glowing (maybe from the makeup?) and consistently has a wonderful smile on her face. Clearly, Mary Kay parties are totally worth her time and energy. She is amazing and I would venture to guess she truly helps many women. I love that. Because we all have something different to contribute to this Universe, which means we will all have a different list of things that are worth our time. If it fills your bucket to read People and shake your ass to Shakira, you go for it. No judgment here. I just want everyone to be happy. For real.

A moment of silence in which we thank the Universe that Kristen is NOT in charge of makeup advice. Amen.

So what are you worth? Knowing your value is one of the most important steps to being in charge of your life. Once you quit doing things out of obligation, you are acknowledging your significance. You will feel free to make time for only the most worth-your-while friendships, music, sex, workouts, coffee dates, books, careers, and yep, peanut butter.

Your time and energy are valuable. YOU are valuable. Please start acting like it.

You’re Not Lazy. Quit Feeling Guilty.

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October 16, 2015January 4, 2017

5 Things I Realized After Smacking Face-First Into A Giant Wall

As I stumbled into the gym the other morning my trainer had an extra evil gleam in his eye. “Today,” he said, “we’re going outside and you’re going over The Wall.”

[blinking] “Ummm…. Me? The Wall?” (The Wall has no handles, no ropes, no steps.)

“Yes, you.” Then he threw a heavy sandbag on my shoulders and said, “Let’s go.”

Once we got outside (and I realized that there was going to be no negotiating the content of my workout that day), we began Project: Get Kristen’s Ass Over Wall.

Phase 1: WTF?

I stood at the bottom of the wall looking up, jumped …….and completely, totally, miserably missed the top of the wall.

(He was trying not to laugh.) “You’re going to have to get a running start.”

Oh.

Phase 2: Now I’m Pissed

I moved back several feet, put on my game face, and ran right for the wall.

[***SMACK***] Oh god. My face, knees, ribcage, hands, and elbows all crashed into the wall at once. Hard. (He was openly laughing at this point.) I’m glad it was a pretty solid wall, otherwise I’d have left a Kristen-shaped hole in it.

My goal of grabbing the top was unsuccessful. And my goal of NOT looking like an idiot was also unsuccessful.

^^After repeating THAT about four more times I was really pissed. I kicked the wall. I threw rocks. I swore. I tried to run away. I’m very mature when I get angry.

Phase 3: Nope, I’m done. I hate this. F U.

My ~~annoying~~ patient trainer didn’t let me leave though. “Where are you going? Come on, you’re gonna do this.”

This time I made it ONTO THE ACTUAL WALL! I hung out there for a while, wishing I had better Spidey-moves. There was a lot of leg-kicking, struggling, grunting, squealing, cursing….. Thennnnn my hands slipped. So I was back on the ground. And still mad.

“Again,” he said.

F’in A. This time I turned it into laser-focus. It was like an Eye of the Tiger moment. Almost anticlimactically, I got up and over rather easily. BAM.

I hopped down the other side feeling as though I probably should receive some sort of trophy or something.

“Good work. Now pick up your sandbag. Let’s go flip some tires.”

Ok then.

Well, when you crash into a wall, of COURSE you have to blog about it.

So many takeaways, right? The “walls” life presents are endless. Fat loss, getting out of debt, starting a business, fixing (or dropping) a relationship, conquering an addiction, changing your attitude, and on and on and on.

Overcoming an actual wall reminded me of some key points that are useful when overcoming any wall.

1) If you don’t know how to start (i.e. standing there asking “WTF?”), you can find experts, coaches, or trainers full of solid advice who will get you going in the right direction.

2) It’s probably not gonna happen on the first try. Or second, or third. It might be the 17th, or 99th. Every single attempt is important, because you are learning and getting stronger each time. KEEP TRYING. Resiliency, not talent or smarts, is what separates the successful from the unsuccessful. By the final attempt, it will probably seem easy.

3) You WILL hit a wall/crash and burn/fall on your ass. It helps to have people around you who believe you are capable and encourage you to try again.

4) Getting angry and throwing rocks is not useful. Re-directing that anger into purposeful energy is very useful.

5) Once you achieve your goal, celebrate. But then carry on to the next goal.

So, yeah. My Wall adventure gave me some bruises. But those heal. And with them comes a great deal of pride in my accomplishment. That’s the way life works, right? ❤️

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October 7, 2015January 4, 2017

You’re Not Lazy. Quit Feeling Guilty.

This post is NOT for anyone who is lazy in the true sense of the word.

You know, the 37 year old, still living in Mom’s basement, buried in empty pizza boxes, broke and jobless with no intention of finding a job …or doing laundry, bathing, helping out around the house, etc.

This post is for all of you wonderful, motivated, kind-hearted, contributing members of society who have come to me and said things such as the following:

“God I am so lazy. I slept in until SEVEN!”

“Do you think two massages per month is excessive?”

“I took a day off from working out, but only because I broke my toe/sprained my wrist/got a hernia.”

“I’m such a slacker. I didn’t leave the house today except to buy groceries.”

“Ohhhhh my goooooodddd I am so bad. I’ve been eating healthy for three months but last night I ruined it and had a piece of pizza!“

“I feel drained and shitty every time I talk to ______, but it feels so mean to blow him off!”

Do you hear yourself in any of those statements? Sounds kinda ridiculous, right? Yet, for some reason, we work ourselves into this frenzied state of mind in which we assume we are bad/lazy/worthless people for taking any sort of time-out from the super-fatiguing arduousness of life.

Well, guess what? Just like your phone needs charged, and your plants need watered, and your batmobile needs re-fueled, YOU NEED REST. Physical rest, mental rest, emotional rest. Yes, your mind and heart need a break just as badly as your body does.

I’ve learned through observing myself, that after resting I…

write better blog posts
handle emotional situations with more maturity
give better advice
kick more ass at the gym
have more control over my appetite
retain information better
am kinder

So please, stop feeling the need to run yourself ragged. It is ineffective and turns you into a ~~martyr~~ ~~grump~~ ~~victim~~ ~~asshole~~ ~~Debbie Downer~~ Ok, there’s just no nice way to say it. A miserable human.

—

None of us want to be miserable humans. So let’s talk about some ways to avoid that fate. You could:

-Miss a workout (or a week of workouts) if you are injured, over-sore, or over-tired. (Try yoga, massage, naps, or walking instead.)

–Leave town. For a weekend, a week, or a month.

-Eliminate emotionally draining relationships from your life.

-Make some tea, put on some sweatpants, and watch a movie/read a book/daydream.

-Discern between actual, solvable problems and drama. Avoid the drama.

-Have a treat. I don’t care what it is. A piece of chocolate. A fruity drink. A grilled cheese sandwich. Have one, then continue on your healthy eating plan, resisting the urge to feel guilt.

-Please, please, please, for the love of Peanut Butter, STOP WORRYING YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Yes, it is a wonderful tool that can be used for creating, sharing, and learning. But it can also be used for bullying, passive aggressivism, exaggerating, and shaming. You are using up precious emotional energy fretting about a picture or status or check-in or comment that bothered you as you happened to scroll by.

Sorry. I got a little fired up on that last one. Perhaps I need a nap.

Anyhow, I want you to take a time-out. In fact, take lots of time-outs. Your energy is precious. Spend it wisely and allow yourself to stop over-training, over-stressing, and over-thinking. Remember, you don’t need permission. ?

Be A Drama-Avoiding Ninja

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