About a year ago, I was reading a blog in which the author made a recommendation to her readers to “soften.” I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to do so by eating excessive amounts of peanut butter- although I may have tried it ahem, tossed that idea around. I believe she meant to soften in regards to how we interact with others. You know… trust people, show them compassion, forgive them, smile, be vulnerable, look for the good.
*vomits in mouth*
“Soften???? Uh, no thank you. I’ve been through some shit. I have walls up. I don’t need anyone. I lift heavy weights. No one gets me. Softening is the last thing I’m willing to do. Oh, and fuck off.”
You see, this idea was not acceptable to me. I was going through a time when I felt utterly and completely misunderstood. Behind all my walls, I was terrified to soften. Because that meant looking at myself and others through a different lens. It meant agreeing to face my demons and admit my flaws. It meant choosing to believe that I am in charge of whether or not I’m happy – that other humans are just doing their best and are not to blame for my circumstances.
I don’t know the exact moment I began to disarm and look on the bright side but eventually and very gradually, I did. (It had a lot to do with this book.) To make that mental shift was the best decision ever. It was magical.
- I gained new friends who had been through similar circumstances and could support and teach me.
- I gained inspiration to start a blog and begin coaching.
- I gained deeper relationships with old friends who hadn’t given up on me.
- I gained skills and tools that help me confront challenges rather than hide behind my walls.
- I gained a new appreciation for my hometown, my clients, and my loved ones.
It wasn’t about becoming delusional or deliriously happy. It was about consciously searching out reasons to be grateful. And dammit, I found them. A ton of them.
Choosing to move on from past hurts doesn’t make you naive, clueless, or stupid. It doesn’t make you weak. It opens up your world.
Right now, what does your world look like? I’ll tell you: It looks exactly like you expect it to. You can choose to believe that people are evil, disgusting, twisted, and out to get you… OR you can choose to believe that people are good, loving, compassionate, and doing the best they can. Either way, they’ll prove you right.
Remember that you’ll always find what you’re looking for. If a person were to look for nastiness, deceit, insecurity, and jealousy in me, they’d undoubtedly find it. I know because I found those things when I decided to take a good hard look at myself. Ouch. But I also found humor, love, strength, empathy, and determination. And those are the things I’ve chosen to build on.
The other day I was talking to my brother about my next business venture and comparing it to a past one. He said, “This time will be even better because you’re doing it without the chip on your shoulder.” #littlebrospeaksthetruth
A lot can change in a year. You could be in a new headspace with a lighter heart, a cheerful attitude, encouraging friends, and fresh perspectives.
…Or nothing can change in a year. You could be in the same headspace, with the same bitterness and distrust you had before, waiting for others to say they’re sorry or to take away your pain.
Life is short. I’d rather be in charge of my own happiness.
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