~ Owning Your Shit – Page 3

January 29, 2017

When We Hurt

…

“How could you hurt me? I thought you loved me.”

To think that love means not to hurt is to be mistaken. We hurt people we love, on small scales and large. We hurt them deeply and repeatedly. Not because we are evil, but because we are humans with lessons unlearned. Every one of us.

Because I’m a human, I’ve been hurt. I carry small wounds and deep ones. To those who did the hurting, I say, “Thank you. I understand now that you are doing your best – your best with what you know, how you were raised, which resources you have, what pain you hide, and which beliefs you hold.”

Because I’m a human, I’ve hurt others. I’ve caused small wounds and deep ones. To those I’ve hurt, I say, “I am so uncomfortable with the fact that I caused you pain. That my words and actions cut you. As much as I preach about trying to embrace our humanness, this part of humanness still makes me squirm. Yet… I still ask you to try and understand that I, too, am only doing my best.”

Friends, I won’t ask you not to hurt me. Doing so would be no different than asking you not to breathe or blink. We’re people. We breathe, we blink, we hurt each other. I have peace in the knowledge that I don’t need you to do me “right.” I need you to simply be you. Keep doing your best and I’ll keep doing mine. Our bests might cause each other great joy. Our bests might cause each other great pain. I’m good with either. Because when I consider where the pain has launched me, and the lessons that it taught me, I can only see it as Love.

“What a treacherous thing it is to believe that a person is more than a person.” -John Green

~

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.” -Nayyirah Waheed

Seriously, Tell Me to “Be Grateful” One More Time…

A Lot Can Change in A Year. Or Not. (Thoughts for When You Feel Misunderstood)

I’ve Changed My Mind About Taking Sides…

October 25, 2016January 4, 2017

Dark

“To fully appreciate something, one must also fully experience its opposite.”

We sort of know this. But we don’t like it. We want all the glory, all the depth, all the good stuff. But we don’t want to go through any darkness to get there. Because it’s messy. It’s painful. It’s ugly. It’s embarrassing. It’s hard. We want to be bright lights all the time. Good vibes only. No mistakes. But that’s not reality. And the sooner we accept that, the better off we’ll be.

“I love you no matter what,” I said recently to a friend who had suffered a major setback. “If this was the 47th time you failed, I would still love you. If this was the 900th time you failed, I would still love you. Failing is part of it and you are amazing regardless.”

Later that day, my stomach twisted violently when I had the thought, “Would I be able to say the same thing to myself? Am I able to love myself through every failure, setback, mistake, and broken promise? Through all the dark?”

Are any of us able to do that?

I fail every day. I often disappoint and even disgust myself. Sometimes the dark in me feels overwhelming. Sometimes it feels unloveable. Unforgivable. In those times, I want to distract myself. Be busy. Be with people. Turn up the music. Work too hard. Work out too hard. Scroll scroll scroll through the newsfeed. Anything to stay in the light.

But again… To fully appreciate something, one must also fully experience its opposite.

And to fully experience, we must stop avoiding. Scurrying. Jabbering. Spending. Scrolling. Gossiping. Fretting. We must face and embrace the dark.

The times I’m a liar show me how valuable it is to speak my truth.

The times I’m a pushover show me how valuable it is to stand my ground.

The times I’m overcompensating show me how valuable it is to be subtle.

The times I’m materialistic show me how valuable it is to simplify.

We appreciate the light because of the dark. The beauty is in the contrast. The lessons are in the contrast. The life is in the contrast.

Black and white. High and low. Major and minor. Loud and quiet. It’s messy and it’s a masterpiece.

I don’t trust people who appear squeaky clean anymore. And, please, don’t think I’m squeaky clean. I assure you, I’m not. But this admission – this acknowledgement – is so necessary. So healing. I accept that the dark is there. It’s there in me. It’s there in you. But it’s not an enemy. It’s a gift. Maybe not the gift we had our sights set on, but the gift we need.

So sit with the lights off every now and then. Notice all the dark and crooked parts in you, but don’t hate them. Know that they are supposed to be there. Be brave enough to explore them. To feel them. To heal them. Quit trying to drown them out with positivity and busyness and validation.

Tree branches are twisted, rough, and gnarled. Still beautiful.

Sunsets are fiery, fleeting, and unpredictable. Still beautiful.

YOU are confused, tired, and struggling. STILL FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

Wrestling with Our Demons is Not Pretty. And That’s Ok.

July 21, 2016January 4, 2017

Wrestling with Our Demons is Not Pretty. And That’s Ok.

Demons. Annoying little bastards, right? They find your weak spots and keep coming back to taunt you. Bringing heaping loads of shit you thought you’d dealt with. Shit that you “shouldn’t” still be struggling with. Yet, there it is. Rearing it’s ugly head again. It’s almost embarrassing, isn’t it? Discouraging for sure. “Shouldn’t I have my life together by now?” you ask. The answer is:

No, Honey. You’re fine.

I used to think there were A) people who had nice, tidy lives, and B) people who didn’t. People in the first category had excellent willpower, never did anything wrong, and could always be counted on to have the right attitude. *sparkly grin, thumbs up* People in the second category were a lost cause, destined to be a mess forever.

Welllll, that line of thinking sucked, because I definitely wasn’t in the first category…

I have (sort of recently) realized that people in the “A” group don’t exist. If it looks like they do, they’re faking it or you are misreading them. We all have our demons. We all have our wounds, our hurts, our traumas, our soft spots, and our Achilles’ heels. Some we wrestle with publicly, some privately. The thing is, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever watched a wrestling match? Mat burns, sweat, weird positions, sometimes blood… it’s just NOT a pretty event. Well, darling, neither is learning life lessons.

When you are confronted with a problem (insecurity, anxiety, depression, anger, addictions…), it is usually not a one and done attack. It will resurface over and over – as different people and different circumstances. You get through one battle, and then – oh good god – it strikes again from a different angle. Sucker punching you in the back of the head. Testing you. Seeing how you will react. Watching. “What’s she gonna do next?”

And you know what? Sometimes what you do next is lose the battle.

Hurtful, hateful words fly out of your mouth.

You melt into a puddle and give in to his sweet lies.

You consume peanut butter until your insides stick together.

You stay under the blanket and choose not to face the world.

And yet, other times…

You hold your tongue and are classy AF.

You remember your worth and tell him to piss off.

You consume just the recommended 2 TBSP of peanut butter. (eye roll)

You square your shoulders, put your head up, and go conquer the day.

I hope you’ve done both. I hope you’ve taken the high road and the low road.

I hope you haven’t been perfect. I hope you’ve really gotten to know your demons. Locked lips, rolled around, and done R-rated things with them. Because you know what? Knowing your dark side is knowing yourself.

I have another hope though. My next hope is that you don’t get so comfortable with said demons that you accept their presence forever. I want you to keep fighting. Keep growing stronger and developing new battle strategies. Give yourself some grace and acceptance, and then go again.

Because if you wrestle with your demons enough, eventually you win.

Now, my dears, two things:

I love, love, love hearing your stories. Do you have demons that feel relentless? Comment or send me a private message and let me know what you’re currently wrestling with. I try to steer blog content toward common themes I notice in all of us.
Plans for the fall retreat are underway! If you feel like you’ve been wrestling with certain demons and just can’t seem to win, consider joining us for two days and one night. Think of it as a moment to rest, power up, get coached, and work on growing your skills. Stay tuned to the Facebook page for more info. You can also add yourself to this e-mail list so you don’t miss any updates.

Smokin’ Hot Shoes Don’t Tell the Whole Story

Perfection: It’s Not A Thing You Guys

Well, Shit. (When You’re Facing the Same. Crap. Repeatedly.)

Judgment Is Heavy. Let It Go.