~ When You Don’t Like Yourself – Page 4

December 29, 2016January 4, 2017

The Truest Sentence That You Know

“I’m a fucking disaster,” I typed into the text message box. I wasn’t proud of it. I wasn’t happy about it. If you must know, I was actually hiding under a blanket when I sent it to one of my best friends. But it was the truth as I knew it in that moment.

Good writing, they say, starts with just one true sentence. The truest sentence that you know. It doesn’t have to be true yesterday or tomorrow. Just right now.

But that’s a difficult thing, isn’t it? Declaring your truth in one particular moment.

Because, I’m learning, truth can change. What was real yesterday may not be real today.

Yesterday I needed to be alone. Today I want to socialize.

Yesterday I would have walked through fire for him. Today I never want to see him again.

Yesterday I could do 25 double-unders in a row. Today I can’t even do two.

Yesterday I was content with my town. Today I want to breathe in the whole world.

I want to be strong, consistent, dependable. But that’s so damn hard when I’m made of all this fickle humanness. I want to inspire and uplift. But how can that happen when I do things I’m not proud of? I want to be productive and motivated. But that feels impossible when I’m exhausted and fearful.

So here I am on this personal development train. I’m very publicly on this personal development train. Sometimes I get confused and think that requires a steady, upward trajectory, with no fuck-ups allowed. You know, staying on the Nice list forever. Being consistent and always doing the “right” thing. But that’s when I’m forgetting that there is a person under that ~~blanket~~ process.

Development is not a point in time at which one arrives.

It is not perfection or Utopia or an ideal.

It is not to be put on a pedestal and glorified.

It is not all positive.

It is not absolute.

It is a sometimes ugly, messy process that includes doing shitty things and learning from them.

But when we have the courage to say the ugly out loud, we remove some of its power. My shame-filled, true-as-I-knew-it sentence helped me to start a conversation with a trusted friend who responded to my text by saying, “You’re not unique, and I mean that to be comforting. So many people go through shit like this. Give yourself a little grace.”

His words helped to de-isolate me and put things in perspective. They gently removed me from a falsely constructed pedestal. They brought me comfort. And he’s right. Every one of us suffers. Every one of us feels undeserving and messy sometimes. But if we don’t say it, how can the burden get lighter?

So, fellow fickle humans, when you don’t like yourself, when you’re struggling, or ashamed, or confused, start with the truest sentence that you know. It doesn’t have to be a Facebook status, or a bullhorn announcement. It can be a scribble in your journal or a text to one trusted friend – and it doesn’t have to be pretty.

One of my favorite sentences is, “This, too, shall pass.” A simple reminder that nothing is permanent. A humbling and comforting thought if you ask me.

Sometimes the truest sentence I can construct is, “I’m a fucking disaster.” And I’m learning to be ok with that. Because in other moments, I could truthfully say, “I’m awesome and I’ve got this.”

Dark

Black and White? No Thanks, I’ll Live in the Gray Area

Dark

“To fully appreciate something, one must also fully experience its opposite.”

We sort of know this. But we don’t like it. We want all the glory, all the depth, all the good stuff. But we don’t want to go through any darkness to get there. Because it’s messy. It’s painful. It’s ugly. It’s embarrassing. It’s hard. We want to be bright lights all the time. Good vibes only. No mistakes. But that’s not reality. And the sooner we accept that, the better off we’ll be.

“I love you no matter what,” I said recently to a friend who had suffered a major setback. “If this was the 47th time you failed, I would still love you. If this was the 900th time you failed, I would still love you. Failing is part of it and you are amazing regardless.”

Later that day, my stomach twisted violently when I had the thought, “Would I be able to say the same thing to myself? Am I able to love myself through every failure, setback, mistake, and broken promise? Through all the dark?”

Are any of us able to do that?

I fail every day. I often disappoint and even disgust myself. Sometimes the dark in me feels overwhelming. Sometimes it feels unloveable. Unforgivable. In those times, I want to distract myself. Be busy. Be with people. Turn up the music. Work too hard. Work out too hard. Scroll scroll scroll through the newsfeed. Anything to stay in the light.

But again… To fully appreciate something, one must also fully experience its opposite.

And to fully experience, we must stop avoiding. Scurrying. Jabbering. Spending. Scrolling. Gossiping. Fretting. We must face and embrace the dark.

The times I’m a liar show me how valuable it is to speak my truth.

The times I’m a pushover show me how valuable it is to stand my ground.

The times I’m overcompensating show me how valuable it is to be subtle.

The times I’m materialistic show me how valuable it is to simplify.

We appreciate the light because of the dark. The beauty is in the contrast. The lessons are in the contrast. The life is in the contrast.

Black and white. High and low. Major and minor. Loud and quiet. It’s messy and it’s a masterpiece.

I don’t trust people who appear squeaky clean anymore. And, please, don’t think I’m squeaky clean. I assure you, I’m not. But this admission – this acknowledgement – is so necessary. So healing. I accept that the dark is there. It’s there in me. It’s there in you. But it’s not an enemy. It’s a gift. Maybe not the gift we had our sights set on, but the gift we need.

So sit with the lights off every now and then. Notice all the dark and crooked parts in you, but don’t hate them. Know that they are supposed to be there. Be brave enough to explore them. To feel them. To heal them. Quit trying to drown them out with positivity and busyness and validation.

Tree branches are twisted, rough, and gnarled. Still beautiful.

Sunsets are fiery, fleeting, and unpredictable. Still beautiful.

YOU are confused, tired, and struggling. STILL FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

Wrestling with Our Demons is Not Pretty. And That’s Ok.

July 21, 2016January 4, 2017

Wrestling with Our Demons is Not Pretty. And That’s Ok.

Demons. Annoying little bastards, right? They find your weak spots and keep coming back to taunt you. Bringing heaping loads of shit you thought you’d dealt with. Shit that you “shouldn’t” still be struggling with. Yet, there it is. Rearing it’s ugly head again. It’s almost embarrassing, isn’t it? Discouraging for sure. “Shouldn’t I have my life together by now?” you ask. The answer is:

No, Honey. You’re fine.

I used to think there were A) people who had nice, tidy lives, and B) people who didn’t. People in the first category had excellent willpower, never did anything wrong, and could always be counted on to have the right attitude. *sparkly grin, thumbs up* People in the second category were a lost cause, destined to be a mess forever.

Welllll, that line of thinking sucked, because I definitely wasn’t in the first category…

I have (sort of recently) realized that people in the “A” group don’t exist. If it looks like they do, they’re faking it or you are misreading them. We all have our demons. We all have our wounds, our hurts, our traumas, our soft spots, and our Achilles’ heels. Some we wrestle with publicly, some privately. The thing is, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever watched a wrestling match? Mat burns, sweat, weird positions, sometimes blood… it’s just NOT a pretty event. Well, darling, neither is learning life lessons.

When you are confronted with a problem (insecurity, anxiety, depression, anger, addictions…), it is usually not a one and done attack. It will resurface over and over – as different people and different circumstances. You get through one battle, and then – oh good god – it strikes again from a different angle. Sucker punching you in the back of the head. Testing you. Seeing how you will react. Watching. “What’s she gonna do next?”

And you know what? Sometimes what you do next is lose the battle.

Hurtful, hateful words fly out of your mouth.

You melt into a puddle and give in to his sweet lies.

You consume peanut butter until your insides stick together.

You stay under the blanket and choose not to face the world.

And yet, other times…

You hold your tongue and are classy AF.

You remember your worth and tell him to piss off.

You consume just the recommended 2 TBSP of peanut butter. (eye roll)

You square your shoulders, put your head up, and go conquer the day.

I hope you’ve done both. I hope you’ve taken the high road and the low road.

I hope you haven’t been perfect. I hope you’ve really gotten to know your demons. Locked lips, rolled around, and done R-rated things with them. Because you know what? Knowing your dark side is knowing yourself.

I have another hope though. My next hope is that you don’t get so comfortable with said demons that you accept their presence forever. I want you to keep fighting. Keep growing stronger and developing new battle strategies. Give yourself some grace and acceptance, and then go again.

Because if you wrestle with your demons enough, eventually you win.

Now, my dears, two things:

I love, love, love hearing your stories. Do you have demons that feel relentless? Comment or send me a private message and let me know what you’re currently wrestling with. I try to steer blog content toward common themes I notice in all of us.
Plans for the fall retreat are underway! If you feel like you’ve been wrestling with certain demons and just can’t seem to win, consider joining us for two days and one night. Think of it as a moment to rest, power up, get coached, and work on growing your skills. Stay tuned to the Facebook page for more info. You can also add yourself to this e-mail list so you don’t miss any updates.

Smokin’ Hot Shoes Don’t Tell the Whole Story

Perfection: It’s Not A Thing You Guys

Well, Shit. (When You’re Facing the Same. Crap. Repeatedly.)

Judgment Is Heavy. Let It Go.