Category: ~ Owning Your Shit

What is it that makes us feel the need to defend our decisions to everyone?  We all do it to some extent.  We feel as though we need permission or justification to do what we want.

• “I had dessert.  I don’t usually, but it was my birthday.”  (You’re allowed to have dessert whenever you want.)
• “We bought the new truck.  It was so expensive but will be really sensible in the winter.”  (Your budget is your business.)
• “I didn’t make it to the gym this morning.  I was just so tired and busy and the kids and working late and and and…”  (You have permission to choose your priorities.)

The problem is, it severely cramps our style when we are constantly wanting others to endorse our choices.  It is a tragedy when we allow what others think to influence the Big Stuff… careers, relationships, health, religion, etc.  Think about it.  How many things have you NOT DONE because your mom/boss/pastor/trainer/spouse/bff/anyone else might condemn you for it?

Look around.  The most miserable people are those not living up to their full potential.  That is, those holding back from doing what they really really really want to do.  It’s as if they’re waiting for a handwritten petition from the President, signed by Everyone, saying “Please, by all means, go ahead and [write that song/start that business/end that relationship]!  We beg you!”  

…Not gonna happen.

Here is something that always brings me INSTANT PEACE when I remember it:  1/3 of the people will love your choices, 1/3 will hate your choices, and 1/3 won’t give a shit about your choices.  (From James Altucher.)  Remember, this applies whether you are sitting in church singing hymns with a friggin’ halo floating over your head… or Eminem.  The Third Third Third Theory.  (<–If you say that out loud it sounds like a speech impediment.)

Something to ponder:  Perhaps we’re going about this backwards.  Often, we 1) pick a group of people we want to please, then 2) make life choices based on their approval.

Why not, instead… 1) make whatever the hell choices we want, thennnn 2) wait for the group that agrees with us to just… show up?  A perfect sorting system, guaranteed to bring like minds together.  Imagine… living life on your terms AND hanging out with super cool awesome people who love you for YOU!

So, go ahead…

E-mail your wedding invites.  Sing at the top of your lungs.  Rap at the top of your lungs.  Show off your legs.  Change jobs.  Start your own business.  Keep the job you have.  Skip a workout.  Do an extra workout.  Break it off.  Stay together.  Tell your kids no.  Tell your kids yes.  Throw that party.  Invite whomever you want.  Take a mental health day.  Be loud.  Be quiet.  Write a blog.  Eat the peanut butter.  You don’t need anyone’s permission!

We don’t need to follow rules.  We get to make the rules.  What a gift.

Related Posts:

On Independent Thinking:  Not All Advice is Good Advice

Approval’s Expensive; Don’t Buy it!

Hey You!  You’re A Rockstar!

Many, many good stories start out with the phrase, “This one time, in college….”  I could tell an abundance of really excellent tales with that as my opener, but I have a specific point today, so I’ll keep it to one.

So this one time, in college,

my car wouldn’t start.  I had gone out with friends to study at the library and left my lights on for hours, killing the battery.  When I realized what had happened, I did the first thing that came into my head:  I called my dad.  For those of you who don’t know, my dad can fix ANYTHING.  I cannot even count the number of times he has saved the day for me.  “Call Dad” is my default move when faced with malfunctioning automobiles, appliances, musical instruments, and electronics.  Even when I was married.  I dunno.  It’s just what I do.

Anyway, when I told him my problem this particular time, his response was, “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t really help you right now.  You’ll have to figure something out.”  And it was a very warranted response… as I was attending college in another town 150 miles away.  *flick*

Despite feeling a moment of disgruntlement (because, you know, in my early twenties the universe revolved around me) at my dad’s unwillingness to drive 2 hours to come save me, did I figure it out?  Sure I did.  And to this day, I am fully capable of jumpstarting my own vehicle, as well as airing the tires, checking the oil, changing the headlight bulbs, and …. well, that’s it.  I pay people to do the other stuff.  ?

But, do you see how my dad empowered me?  He couldn’t do it for me, so I did it myself.

One might argue that jump starting a vehicle is on one end of the spectrum.  What about the other end…. Building a business?  Putting your life back together after a divorce?  Quitting your job?  Losing weight?  Making sure you wake up happy?  Fixing your marriage?  Wouldn’t it be grand if someone could do those difficult things for us?

Jill Coleman, my business coach, always says, “I’ve got your back.”

The first time she said that to me, my thought pattern went something like this:

“OK, cool Jill… But actually, uhhhhh… I was wondering if, um, instead of having my back, you could just go on ahead of me, and remove any difficult obstacles that might be in my path?  Actually, could you just carry me?  I’d rather not have to walk.  Also, I would like to know EXACTLY how long this will take, AND what everybody’s reaction will be.  Perhaps you could just build my business for me?”

^^NOT HER JOB.  She is an incredible coach who has guided hundreds of clients through the process of building or improving their businesses and led them to very successful outcomes.  The key word is guided.

Let’s just say that Jill had done all the work for me.  #1, that would make her a terrible coach.  #2, Would I be feeling very independent and accomplished right now?  Of course not!  Because I wouldn’t have done shit for myself!  My setbacks and my successes are all. on. me.  Empowering, no?!?!

“I’ve got your back.”  Huh.

• Siri can’t drive the car for you.  But she can guide you while YOU drive.
• Your friends can’t solve your relationship problems.  But they can give you hugs, tea, and empathy while YOU solve them.
• Your nutritionist can’t prepare and eat the healthy food for you.  But he can advise and educate while YOU do it.
• Your supervisor can’t do your work for you.  But she can support and set you up for success while YOU do the work.
• Your trainer can’t lift the weight for you.  But he can spot you and correct your form while YOU lift it.

The key word here is YOU.  YOU are a magical, powerful creature when you decide to take matters into your own hands.

When it’s all said and done, don’t we want to be able to depend on ourselves?  To know that we can handle our business when need be?

Here is the cycle:  do something by yourself —> gain confidence —> do another thing by yourself —> gain more confidence —>>>> and so on and so forth.  In the end, you will have a bunch of skills and a bunch of confidence.  Not a bad way to end up, right?  But ya gotta start somewhere.

Next steps:

1. Think of something you really don’t want to do by yourself.  (i.e. having a difficult conversation, traveling alone, starting a new project, making a financial decision, going to the gym, etc.)
2. Do it.
3. Observe how you feel afterward.

Let me know how it goes!

Related Posts:

On Independent Thinking:  Not All Advice is Good Advice

Why You Need to Get the F Out of Your Comfort Zone

Buck Furpees:  My Thoughts on Karma